DarkHorse Ministries

THE MOTHER LOAD: REACHING MY MEMORY CORE

On Tuesday, March 29th, 2011, in my therapy session, I uncovered probably the most powerful unconscious message my childhood self ever repressed into my unconscious. The abuse whereby I was required to repeatedly accompany my very sick parents in public, while they engaged in crazy, embarrassing and even dangerous behavior took such a toll on me, that I finally told myself something like:

Now, if any child had to hold these thoughts within their conscious mind, that would most certainly mean insanity and probably death. So, I immediately stuffed these incredibly toxic thoughts as far out of my awareness as I possibly could.

Indeed, the title of Alice Miller's magnum opus, The Drama of the Gifted Child, is not referring to a subset of especially gifted kids. Rather, the 'gift' is the ultimate survival mechanism within all children, namely, the ability to repress, if necessary, any and all intolerable realities within their experiential world. However, this gift exacts the terrible price of—the ability to feel anything at all—the very life and humanity of the precious child. Among many other things, this would subsequently allow me to become cold, heartless and cruel to others, and to suffer the consequential conscious or unconscious guilt.

After filing away this powerful, negative, unconscious script, I then lived the next forty years of my life, not realizing that this message was in my unconscious. Yet simultaneously, I was powerless over the fact that, since it was there, this gross distortion of truth could not fail to materialize, within my personal experience of life. In Emmet Fox's book, The Sermon on the Mount, he teaches that the 'law of mental causation' holds whether our thoughts are conscious or unconscious. Said differently, my negative, destructive thoughts, continually manifested in my life, regardless of the fact that I was not conscious of them.

The overall result is commonly referred to as a self-fulfilling prophecy. I therefore remained a victim for years, failing to understand the true causes of my nearly constant emotional suffering. Due to my extensive unconscious denial, I genuinely could not see my part, nor that the other person or people involved were simply the trigger of my deep emotional pain. I could not make the connection that I had painted the bull's eye on my chest and back, that I was somehow attracting or projecting fear, rejection, anger, danger, and manipulation.

However, after this 'mega-memory' surfaced in my conscious mind, bringing with it tremendous emotional pain, my entire life very rapidly changed in a most fundamental way. I now completely realize my part in all my past affairs. I have also realized that although I unknowingly wore the "kick me" sign, I am not responsible for the actions of others who consciously or unconsciously responded in kind. The thoughts, beliefs and behaviors of others are their responsibility.