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Dream: A Difficult Amends

Years ago in my recovery, I was overwhelmed because I knew that I had to make a very difficult amends for my past behavior. The nature of the situation called for an apology not only to the individual involved, but also to an entire group of men. I had felt for a long time that I needed to admit that I was wrong, however my offence was unknown and was much too easy for me to conclude that what they did not know would not hurt them. It was also a situation where the other person had done more to harm me and had never apologized. I reacted out of resentment and therefore felt somewhat justified in my behavior. Finally, one night before going to sleep, I was worrying incessantly, and I decided to ask God to show me how to go through with it. This is the story of the miraculous dream that answered my prayer and encouraged me to do the right thing. The dream occurred on 8-16-2000 as follows:

I am in a large men's meeting. I actually opened my mouth to confess, but nothing came out. My awareness then switched out of the dream to myself asleep in bed. From within my chest, I hear a click as if a machine switch is flipped on, followed by a pervasive industrial hum. I simultaneously feel a strange physical structure in the center of my chest, that appears to have a three-point frame and I see a red glow coming from the entire area. My awareness then shifted back to the dream, where I was now standing alone in a room, still fearing that I am unable to speak. I was then abruptly picked straight up into the air, from the scruff of my neck. I am saying "Hey, whoa!" I was bumped down hard on my knees and skidded several inches to a stop. My view then switched so that I was observing my praying body from behind. I saw the bottoms of my bare feet, and noticed that the number two is burned into the insole of one of them.

The entire dream then repeated itself verbatim, except that the number six is burned into the bottom of my other foot.

Interpretation:

The Twelve-Step Triangle of Unity, Service and Recovery, as adopted in 1955 by A.A. World Services, symbolizes the physical, mental and spiritual balance ideal for growth toward wholeness. The clear audible click of the machine may be a definitive moment of "Coming to Believe" — the sound of a decision being made. This is interesting, because, for years I had struggled immensely with Step 3: "Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understoood Him." The industrial hum possibly implies a great machine that is going to do the heavy lifting for me. The red glow — the color of blood and life — suggests the spiritual heat of the Refiner's fire that burns away the character defects, or the hot activation of the formerly closed or cold heart.

I thought about the meaning of the rest of this amazing dream for several days, with no success. Finally, I asked myself "what do you do with your feet?" The answer was 'you step,' … Step Two, Step Six! The key to how to make the amends was contained in steps two and six, as stated:

Step 2: Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.

Step 6: We became entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character.

I later made the amends. That night while asleep, I heard a male voice of wisdom say:

"You did the right thing."
(This was the voice of the Self).

So this is how I was taught from within, that amends are accomplished by coming to believe in a Higher Power that will do for me what I can not do by myself alone, and by my becoming entirely ready and willing to let go of my pride, resentment, fear, dishonesty and self-centeredness.